Should I have the stew?

I have found that it’s often cathartic to re-read old journal entries to see if any progress has been made. This one reminds me why it is so easy to choose the path of least resistance, rather than confronting the fear that is the unknown and shining light into our own dark places.

“There’s a longing in my heart for more today. I’m fickle enough to think that it’s something material, like maybe I don’t have enough shirts in my closet or I could be running low on spoons. Do we have enough spoons? Maybe that’s it. No…the truth is that I need the Fullness. Sure, there’s a certain hope in temporary meals of material stew. I think the reason is because the pot that holds that stew has a visible bottom.

When I was young, I was terrified to swim in water bodies in which I couldn’t see the bottom. If I could see it, then I could understand what it was, loading and labeling my fears into a taxonomic database that could be used again to debunk that fear. But the Fullness…The Fullness has no bottom, no ending to its depth. It’s terrifying. It’s crippling.

I have to get in and swim. And drink. And be filled. The water is hot and cold at the same time, it’s salty and sweet and bitter. I need to drink, to taste it’s life…and it’s death.

Hmm…Tell me again what’s in the stew?”